Finding Myself

Sometimes I wonder if I havent lost myself after my divorce. When I was married to the boys dad, I knew exactly who I was. I was a working mother of two boys. Who loved the weekends off to play with them. I was a housewife, and responsible tIt seems to me that I am lost too ontop of it. All the change in my life has changed me as a person, even my personality. Some I thought was for the better, but now I dont think so. I really miss that overwhealmed mom...is he going to go and comb his hair before he goes to school. Now it is tanner dont you want your hair done? he responsed with a "no". I say well lets go, be the person you want to be. Is that ok though.. I thought so but not now. we should be the people our parents want. tHEY o make sure that everything was done around their so that we all had a day to day life. I seperated from the boys dad when they were 5 and 7. So they were young when we parted. But they were well manared kids and followed the set rules. Everything is ok now, but nothing is exactly the same. I am still a working mother, but I dont enjoy my job so well. I do also go to school so that cuts into my houewife routine. They boys also go to their dads every other to every weekend. We dont have the same traditions at holidays, and we dont spend our spare time together like we use to. Its not bad now, everything is still running like a house, but not as smoothly or as much family time. I dont miss the kids like i use to either. I mean I was in tears when they left for too many hours. Now they leave for dayss. Where did that gap from every second of their time go to, well see in four days. I miss them too. I want so bad to love on them every second when I get home, but there is so much on my plate right now that I cant keep up. Yes you can say, well how do you put your kids out for yourself, I am not sure where it started, but I know it started with this in m ind. If I go back to school I will forever be better set for their future. Not only with money, but with the means to say this is what is right. It is right to go to school, and they better go. But I guess at the time I didnt realize what I wa saraficing. I thought I was just going to spend a little time away and all will be well. Well, I think it will be ok, butI see a diffrence in them, where I am lacking. I also thoughtI would be the same person and It would only be another addition to me. It is not, am not the mothering person I was that was a big part of who I was. I have heard those sayings, when I lost you I lost a part of myself. That saying must have come from a parent who had lost their child. It really is funny how happenings in life change things about you, even phisically. A situation comes along and last long enough, being the only road you knew to take, and your diffrent. I even stumble over my speech now. I wondered if that come from some of the lack of thy knowing thyself? I want some of those thought process to return. I wanna see some things with a blind eye that I never knew before. Stupidity is bliss? That is so true. The bad things that you never noticed about peopler before, well once you see it in them..you dont feel as close as you did from the begining. You see a love one as strong? Ever see their major weakness and then see if you look at thekm the same next time a situation of strenght comes about. The doubt, it was a blindness until a certain momonet. Alot of diffrent types of moment has occured to me over the last 4 years. It has been a bad four years. Things are looking better though. But in those moments, I gained truth and Hurt. I allways say I want the truth, but there is case if i knew the outcome, I would have choose blind ness.I would stay overly involved with the boys. I would have tolerated the relationship till the kids were grown. Things would be diffrent. If I only knew?