When I was your age!!

I remember hearing these words from every elder person in my life. When I was your age we never caused those problems at school or for our parents. When I was your age we had to make our own toys and fun... and so on. When I heard these words come out of peoples mouths all I could remember thinking was, You have obviously forgotten what it is like to be my age. I do sometimes think that people forget how different we think as kids... how smart we are as teenagers.... and how no one over the age of 20 could possibly know what it is like to be a kid. I don't think that after 20 that we don't know what it is like to be a kid, it is that we know how Innocent just being a kid can bring on all kinds of unwanted responsibilities, debt and lifelong regrets. I mean how many of us can think back to what we were conversing with our friends in gym class and say that we would even want to have those conversations as an adult, because of the nonsense and innocence of the conversation? "I cant wait to get out on my own someday" as if moving in our own home was going to rid us of someones directing our life?? yeah right.. no it is not our parents now, it is the bank with the mortgage on our house saying we must work so many days out of the year, it is our boss telling us not to or to do something we didn't want to. It is our children that are expecting a parent to pick them up from school. I know it is not only me, but I wonder if there is someone out there that seen the freedom they had as a child? Did anyone.. or are we all trapped by our parents keeping us from harm? I would give anything to go back to when all I had to do all summer was play in the pond, ride my bike, and listen to mom complain because we forgot to take our shoes off before we came through the house.... as a kid, we didn't even have to clean it up.. mom did. At the age of 29, when I hear a child complain about their problems about mom not letting them drive yet at 15 and a half... I think... I would give a lot.. a lot... to go back to that being my biggest problem for the next six months. It is amazing what we don't appreciate huh.

Split personality and hallucinations....

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have the ablitiy to have split personalities...yes I know us "average people call it a sickness and a setback, but I also see it as an advantage at times. I think it would be great to be able to be Lorna, the mother with two kids who is tryong to get a degree and working her butt off at a job in the mean time. Then at other time I could be lori, the 9 year old who just wanted to withdrw from the world and play with her dolls and only have the cry of needs from others that I imagined were coming from the doll. Then I could be Lauren... The great... I would be the lady that rescued all those small children that were homelesss and just needed a place to call home with a welcoming heart and loving hand. I also think it would be great to have hallucinaitions. I would go to through all the galaxys and see all the other creatures put upon them and would learn their cultures and ways of their worlds. I would go into the ocean on a lost treasure hunt with all my greatest sidekicks there with me to see me open the biggest tresure chest ever found. I would go on a undercover steak out to rescue the little man taken for ransom..and the great thing about it all, It would allways work out my way and the people would all love m e and do exactly what I had expected..life would never be the same old thing anymore..so it as a set back a sickness and disease... those who are like what I am talking about, are on a adventure as far as I am concerned.

A Dolphin

If I could choose an animail to be turned into, I would choose a dolphin. The reason for this would be that I would love to think I could swim the entire ocean with out any limits. I would be one of the strongest fish in the ocean with very few prey. I would have the ability to jump high and be admored by many lookers from boats and ships. It is more likely that I would be a sight than a fish to be caught by pole. I could have also choose a tiger for their bueaty or even a giraffe for their view. But I think a dolphin has more advantages than most animails. I know lots of people would choose and eagle or some type of bird ebcasue of the ablitity to fly with the freedom of the sky, but that is the same reason that I choose a dolphin. You would not be able to sail the skies, but you would have the undersidde of the earth, that is the water... who knws the depths of it? Right? I just have allways thought they fish in gerneral are bueatiful creatures... with more freedom than any land creature... of course you have prey, but not the prey of human kind to hunt to kill, pollute the air and take up the land and call it their own. The ocean is too great for human. They can go into it, but they are very limited to its real depth. Therefor, though this is not fact, I think you would have more freedom as a dolphin than a eagle or any other bird. The only rules and regulations in the ocean would be the other fish and their need for food. I do not think many ocean creatures just hunt to kill.

working with the menatally ill

I had a really rough day today... it seemed as though I was doomed from the minute I went into work. I work at a institute for the mentally disabled. Now most days there are the same old same and I like that.. I have a good time with those residents their and I seem to be well liked by them. But there are those days when one of them proves to you that there is a reason that they are placed there. There is this one resident, lets just call her "Katie" she is very well educated and has a advanced degree and when you were to meet her you would wonder why in the world she would ever be in a place like that...well I am here to inform you, over the past week she has proven to me time and time again that she very much needs to be placed in a place where I work for her own good. Today topped it all off. I went to get her her cigarettes and she was hateful and rude and, yes of course, I keep in mind that she is mentally ill, but she then continued to get into my face and I truly thought she was going to punch me..right in the kisser. It would have sucked to because I am not sure what I could have or would have done back if she had hit me. Anyways, I continue into the smoke room and she follows of course to mouth me the entire time telling me about her PHD...and how much better sand smarter she is than me..yada yada yada.. I just bared with it and continued dealing with everyone else...until she involved a much mouthier..larger resident that was easy to deal with but thought he obviously needed to take her side somehow. I am not sure why he involved himself, all I can say is that he is also ill in the mind. I hope I don't sound mean by saying that, one year ago if I would have heard you say that I would have gotten upset with you, but after a year of working with the mentally ill, I have learned why they are labeled the MENTALLY ill. There minds make up there own reason and people and scenarios and you could not imagine what it is like to spend 6 months with a person, see them everyday, not ever see their illness, then all of a sudden, they "cycle" it is awful and hard to deal with. I care about these people, and it is hard for both me and them to go through there stages, especially those who cycle less often,. You forget they are ill. You can try and talk them through it.. but more times then not.. the visions and thoughts are their reality...They are not coming back till they are done. and the whole time.. they will pretend like your the enemy and they are the victim..when I think it is almost the other way around. I am not sure why, they don't confront the other residents, they don't go to the main offices, they don't even go to their family..they give all their anger right to the staff on the floor, sometimes apologize minutes or hours later and sometimes weeks. Other times they are so bad they have to go to the hospital. Well, today Katie, who I am fond of and like a lot.. gave it to me and I was hurt...even though I know she didn't mean it.. it hurts to see her so sick..and it tested every patients I had..not anyone has tested my patients so much..not even my husband or kids. At least to them I can clearly say go to your room or get out of my face. To the mentally ill, we have to watch what we say because of the state and their rights. Anyhow.. I have vented and cant really explain what it is like anymore.. you would have to see for yourself and try it out for at least six months to begin to get the feel. When I first started I didn't understand and had not seen much drama... then as time went on I learned the CYCLES of some of them.. seen the anger and the imaginary people and issues... you then see where I am coming from.

Houses

I wanna talk about my perfect house... this would be a house that was built for convience, not its bueaty. I would like it so that when you entered either in the front door or the back door their was a big entry way/ mudroom combination. I would want it to have a coat rack and a smell little half bathroom for anyone to clean up that needed to. I would want the kitchen to be in the front of the house instead of the back, the reason for this is that there would be acsess right to the drink and table where people would sit and visit and not everyone would be wondering right through your living room. after the kitchen you would enter into the living room so that if your family or guest were there to stay it would be assesible with out trucking through the rest of the house. Then I would want it to head off into the guest bathroom and the bedrooms. I would like for the master bedroom to set completely off the rest of the house seperated by another living room/ family room. Then you would enter into the master bedroom wich would be one of the biggest rooms in the house, I feel like as an adult who works and pays for everything this is the benefit of it. I would also have a sona with a hot tub and a big shower to go for my time to be alone. I think that the master bedroom would be the nicest part of the house. I would also want a office off the bedroom only assesible through the bedroom, attached but secluded with windows all around it. Then back to the other part of the house. off the back entry I would want a sunroom covered in windows and screened so that the air could come through on nice days, but it would have climate control for not so nice days. Then off the main living room I would want the laundry room and the other bedroom. I think bedroom should all be very big, it is everyones little piece of the house and there needs to be room so that when you were in there you did not feel like you were in a dungeon. And of course the kids bedrrom and possibly a very large room for play room. In that room is where the pool table, games, or whatever the family was into to. I think it is very important to be comfortabklein your own house so none of it would be to fancy except the master bedroom and sunroom. Those two rooms to me would be the most important. I also think that the kitchen and main living room should be open and combined but, seperated by some kind of bordering or trimming. This was just an idea of what was on my mind for the night... may change tomarrow as I see more homes.

Organization....???

Why is it that I can not get organized??? I have tried and tried and nothing seems to work. I can get everything in order then next thing I know nothing is where I intended it to be. I once heard intentions are good but they just don't make it work. This is very true. I intend my house to be organized, I even buy, separate and spend days off doing the job, but after a few weeks of school, work and family, well nothing is where it was suppose to stay. I do realize that it is work, but I seem to constantly be working at it and still nothing....still the same old same..."where is the..?" I even loose my car keys and often misplace small things and have no idea where it went until I am searching for something else I lost, then I run across what ever it was that I was hunting a week ago. I guess why this bothers me is I can go to a friends house and she is so organized beyond even what I wish to accomplish...there for it is proof that it can be done. I asked her once if she had a band aid and her reply was...on the top shelf behind the peroxide and cotton swabs...not my house..ask me for a band aid and I will tell you, It is in the medicine cabinet...if there is not any there let me know I might have some in the other bathroom...This was just an example,but it is truth about her organizing skills. I bet she could tell you what color of cups are in the front of her cabinets and what ones are in the back...not me, I do have a certain shelf that all the cups and glasses are in, but they are mixed. If you want a glass you may have to dig it out from behind the plastic cups. And if your looking to watch a movie at my house, you cant always trust the case that is labeled, SPiderman... because it may be the wizard of Oz on the inside of that case. i just find this so frustrating that I cant become more organized. As I sit here and write this I am looking at the coffee table, now keep in mind I have been pretty busy all morning trying to accomplish things around here, I even cleaned out my catch all drawer. But anyhow, as I write this I look over at the table and see...books about Gazebos that Ben left there, pictures of architecture that we took on our bike rides, a flashlight?? who knows why it is there, a bible, children's books from the library that have been checked out before spring break, and ipod charger, and some Cetaphil lotion...along with the usual remotes, Kleenexes, and magazines typically set on the table. This was just the coffee table...I could go on and on about the desk behind the chair that I am sitting in...it was meant for me and my school things, but now holds a bit of things from everyone in this house. And in front of me in the corner is the book bags, a guitar, bean bag, a bag of Ben's boxing things, an ball of the puppies, and rolls of tape. I just cant keep up, it is crazy. I wonder how some people do it. I have tried and it wears down so much I am miserable and tired and have even cried like a little baby about it..ha ha... I have to give it to those women that when you walk into there house it is a display of organization, because when you walk into mine you will see everything we have been up to for the last week or possibly even month. Don't get me wrong, it is not filthy in our house, it is just very used and lived in and everywhere is covered in the latest activities. I went outside in the backyard this am and there is baseballs, bats, bases, bug sucking guns, basketball..and the goal is out front. Star wars swords and even 5 gallon buckets from Ben's latest projects, oh, and of course now the new puppies pen with the bowls and toys in it. I guess this was my way of winning about those houses that I walk into to and it looks like it has not been lived in for days, but just painted picture perfect for the audience. Because if your looking for a show room house..ours is gorgeous thanks to Ben's carpentry ability, but it is no means ready to be shown..and doubtfully ever will. I sometimes think that that is the price of living with four boys, but my friend lives with three and her house is great every second.... day or night...rain or shine...you can bet she is prepared to show the guest around.

Movies

I broke down and watched the movie twilight...I wanted to wait until i read the book, but was too impatient. I have heard for a real long time on how good it was...And it was... and could not wait any longer. Plus I did not have the time in my life to read it right now. Anyhow, the movie was great. I did not expect it to be a love story and can not wait till the next one comes out. I havent really asked too many questions, because I didnt want anyone to give me too much information, so I knew it was supposedly really good and about vampires and thats all I knew. It was indeed about vampires, but not the traditional vampire movie with all the bloody bitting. It had some in it but it was more of a love story and heartache of a troubled teens. I loved it. The movie could have been longer for me though, I did not want it to end. I liked that it touched every emotion of mine and, from my experience was a real love story, with all the conflict and amazement we all share when in love. So anyhow if anyone has not seen it or read the books I agree with the census that it was great and well worth time and money to do so. I cant wait to see it again, and read the books this summer.

Movies

BOTOX

I heard something really crazy today on the radio. I was driving along in my car and listening to the latest news and then it came. Boob jobs and botox for the dead. Now I am not trying to be disrespectful or anything but that is just absolutely crazy to me. Please reread the "to me" again if your offended. I could not believe that anyone would worry about their boobs in their casket. I really do not even understand why one would. It is not like anyone is showing up to check out the dead lady in the casket. And I have only been to a few funerals in my life but never once did I ever check out to see what shape their boobs were in or to see if they had wrinkles on their mouth or forehead. I think that if they wanted to go out in a good way they should have donated that money to some cause..starving children.. schools, a church.. something. I think that to set up for a boob job upon death is very vane and I would wonder what the attendance at their funeral would be. I would ask myself if they were selfless enough to be loved by anyone.Maybe I am being small minded and am not seeing the big picture or maybe it is the other way around...only god knows I suppose. I am not against botox or health or boob jobs either...just wanted to get that out their.. It just I am not sure why after regimortis has set in if your worried about your boobs...ask if they can stuff your brae with some tissue before the service?? Donate the money and so be it..allot less selfish and vain.

Spring Camp

The boys have a spring camp this week it is put on by Springfield parks. I think it is a great service that they provide. I am sure that they will enjoy it. It only cost a little over 60 dollars per child and it is a week of fun and activities. They get to do all kinds of activities...like bowling, pizza, Lazar tag and swimming. I was surprised at the cost of the camp and the places and activities involved. It is not an over night camp, it is in service from 6 am to 7 pm. I would advise anyone who has small children and not a set destination for your child over spring break to check into it. The people leading the kids have been very friendly and helpful. I wish that there were more programs like this here in Springfield that I was informed about. I have found some programs here but they seem to be very costly and out of my price range for my budget. There are also other programs to get your children into but they are filled and not very advertised. I found a few programs when I first moved here, the boys and girls club..but that one was not one I really cared for. I also found some daycare that were decent, but the waiting list for my aged of children was long..or impossible to get in. I am not sure why Springfield does not offer more programs for children as this seems to be a family city. I guess it could be also that I have not lived here long enough to be very informed about them all. I know I have no idea what to do with the boys over the summer other then send them to their dads, because everything I know about is either out of my price range or over booked.

Country in the CIty

Well I went for a bike ride today and found a very good neighbor hood. I wish I lived there. It was not because the houses were fancy homes, they were of the average two income homes. What made the neighbor hood so nice was that every house had a nice size yard with plenty of room for anyone to play a game of ball or run about in and room left for yard furniture and grills. It is not very often that yo see yard like that in town. I have rode around a big part of Springfield on my bike and often look at the houses and wonder why no one appreciates the value of a yard or space. The neighbor hood I seen today was really nice. Everyone had their own privacy..a little piece of property that was set apart form the neighbors with trees and flowers and everything else that says they are an individual. The trees were large trees too, the kind you can sit under and read or seek some shade on a sunny day. The houses faced every direction. I found it really neat that not every house was facing the road, and as I passed by there was not door to door window to window...there was a little piece of land..a little nature... a little of their very own self. The roads were also winding in different directions. It was not the typical zoned...squared off city block. It was quite the sight to see right here in the middle of Springfield. There was also some flowering trees which added a little color to this early spring day. Some had those trees what have pink flowers and others had the ones what bloom with the white flowers. Also at one house there was a long sidewalk winding to the house that sat catty corner from the street... it was very pretty and well groomed yard..but not overly fancy. I am confident to say that the grass in that neighbor hood was grown not trucked in and later laid. I was riding along just admiring it all and realized that the smell was not the typical city smell, but I could smell the blossoming flowers creeping into the streets from the yards. If you have not ever seen the neighbor hood I am speaking of maybe you should go for a ride over off of sunshine and Kansas expressway...it sits just east of Kansas exp. I promise you it is original and well kept.. a little piece of country in the city.

POETRY

I am a sukker for love poems. I read these two and they were similar to me. I just thought they were so true for so many people and wanted to share them. It amy not be true to your current situation, but it could have either been true or will be....


Never give all the heart

by W. B. Yeats
Never give all the heart, for loveWill hardly seem worth thinking ofTo passionate women if it seemCertain, and they never dreamThat it fades out from kiss to kiss;For everything that's lovely isBut a brief, dreamy, kind delight.O never give the heart outright,For they, for all smooth lips can say,Have given their hearts up to the play.And who could play it well enoughIf deaf and dumb and blind with love?He that made this knows all the cost,For he gave all his heart and lost.



Love's Secret

by William Blake
Never seek to tell thy love,
Love that never told can be;
For the gentle wind doth move
Silently, invisibly.

I told my love, I told my love,
I told her all my heart,
Trembling, cold, in ghastly fears.
Ah! she did depart!

Soon after she was gone from me,
A traveller came by,
Silently, invisibly:
He took her with a sigh.

sleepless nights

Sometimes late at night I go into my bed feeling very tire ed and get all snuggled in just to find out that I cant sleep. i want to go to sleep but I lay there and things run over and over in my mind. Some things are good things, some things are just me being a worry wart. Either way I just cant sleep. I am writing tonight because I am very tired and went in there to go to sleep and found out that it was not happening. I am not even sure what I am thinking about. i lay ed down for a while then I began my usual routine by asking Ben questions in hopes that his answers will either bore me to sleep or I can fall asleep to the sound of his voice. I think this bad sleep habit goes back to my child hood. I remember my older sister all ways talking me to sleep, and I love it when someone does that or reads to me until I fall asleep even as an adult. i was watching a movie trying to sleep but I had to stay awake to see the end of it. Even though I found it incredibly stupid. It was called Stealing Harvard. It was not set up for my likes. It was More for the audience of American Pie and those types of movies. Either way I did not fall asleep to it. I can go read, that will put me to sleep but the problem is that Ben is asleep and if I bring the book out here to read it, by the time I hit the bedroom I will have to start all over with the sleep routine. I say routine but there really is not one. It is More like go in their...talk for a bit...wonder... wonder if Ben is asleep...talk to him to find out...then he responds with..what..but it sounds very impatient...then I hesitate and go ahead and ask because he is now awake... Then I leave him be and lay there and wonder a bit more..sometimes I wonder off to the kitchen and get a drink..or come out and type on this computer or read my e-mails.. and tonight I just took a Tylenol PM..so we will see how they work. I don't think they are really that great thorough because they will put you to sleep but you will wake about 4-5 hours later and cant sleep again.. so then your up extremely early and starting the routine all over again.... Oh well. guess that is all can say about my rough times of falling asleep. I will leave it at that.

If I were a millionaire

If I were a millionaire... that is the question every American dreams of. if it were to happen to me, first I would proabably be a whole other person. I am very stressed person. I worry about things with the family that I need not worry about. But you cant stop the inevidable. I would defenitly first thing first, hire a person to help me take care of my finances. Second I would take 10,000 and me and my family would go "blow" this money playing and on vacation. I would invest in a house and land. I think land is allways a good investment. You double your money about every 10-15 years. So by the time I was to retire I could do so by selling that land. I would buy a country home. We live in the city now, and Ben built the house with his two hands and would not move out of it, this I know, so i would buy us another house outside of town, possibly by a lake or with a great big pond. I would help some of my family, I would not ever give anyone money... I do not think that big chunks of money are good for anyone to inherit or have handed to them. I would though, pay off a house, purchase a car or pay off a loan. I am not sure at this piont when I said millionaire what that ment, but I am assuming both me and the reader here are guessing beyond 3 million. I would donate some to children. I think they are a worthy cause no matter the reasoning. I would put some money in some kind of bonds, well my financial advisor would, for my childrens college. I would buy a horse. I always wanted a horse. That would be it. i am pretty boring so mostly

I would probably invest and save. I have seen
money go from
people and sat back and wondered how it went so fast. I
recently seen someone
spend over 200,000 in less than 6 months. Dont ask me
where. I know alot of it
went on toys, boats, fourwheelers, vacations,
otherpeople...who knows. I would
not want to be that person that did
that. I know it could happen to
anyone. So first I would get a
fianacial advisor.

Myself.. some of the things I like or think I might.

I think I might like to won a horse. i think that they are very pretty aniamials. And the thought of being able to just roam around a large empty feild or fields, makes my heart sink. To me this would be my heaven. Except for I think that heaven may be brighter and alot more colorful than earth. Here is the an example of the horse I some day hope to own.

This is a paint horse, it stands about 16 hands high, that is about 1-2 hands higher than the average horse. The markingsare remarkable.

I think that I might like to go and try out some kind of yoga class. I think it sounds like alot of fun. I do like to do this kind of thing, it just have never made time in my busy schedule for it. I also thought about trying to take karate.That could be interesting? I look at this picture and think this could be me right? lol...

I also could do some kind of bunji jumping? It could be the best thrill I have ever experienced, or it could be the last and only one.

Maybe I could go deep sea diving, this is something I always thought was cool. I have a thing for fish so you could say. I always have had a fish tank, and love to swim. I think that the sea creatures are awsome, I am sure alot of it is because it is not something we see everday.

Spring Break

Over spring break I hope that I get to spend some time just doing housework and playing with the boys. Well I did not get to spend time doing homework and spending it with the boys, I ended up working. Yes two of the days I covered shifts that others called in on. Three of the days I was allready scheduled to work. So out of the 7 days, I worked 5 of them. I did get some house work done, and I think I even got to go through my storage. Spring break was not so ok for me. There were others that I talked to that got to go off on a nice vacation, or just relax around the house. I wish I could say that. not happening here. I did get the boys into a nice camp though over their spring break so that was nice. This summer though I am going to take a week off and do something just for me. Sounds nice, hopefully I will get the chance to write about it in one of my classes next week. I cant wait for this semester to be out, I know that this summer is going to be nice for me. I am going to work part time. I will hope that by the end of the summer I have been on a trip, learned a new hobby [like wood carving, because I like to stain and finish it] and maybe even get a new job. I am not sure what this summer will bring.

Helping out

Today I ran to the gas station on my lunch break and got a few things. As I was walking to my car I ran into this woman who was in need of help. All she wanted was a few bucks for gas. I did not have any cash on, but could spare a few dollars. I told her to pull up to the pumps and get a few dollars and I would go pay. I felt really good, as I am sure anyone does when they know they have helped another in need. I went in to pay for the womans gas. I waited in line paitently..hoping not to be late for my next class. As I got to the cashier, she ask me whos gas I was buying.. I thought she was just making small talk. Then she informed me that that woman often does this and lives less than a block away. It was a scam, is what she had informed me. I felt very awful. It was like being told you didnt win the lottery after the check has already been placed in your hand. I think helping others is better then winning the lottery, I believe what goes around does often come around in some other way. So I was very dissapionted when I had learned that I did not a favor for anyone, but enabled someone to pull off a scam. I have heard stories about people doing these things and because of that I will no longer give the man standing at the side of the raod any cash anymore...There are stories of how they live better than some working americans with a 9-5 job. So I gues I will no longewr help out anyone in need of gas to get to their emergency... what a fool I am at times huh??

Pictures of me and my family

my boys on their four wheelerson right

My little sis on left

my boys tanner and tukker on right..look closely behind them.

Ben is on the left,

I love to see others picture.. not even really sure why. I can meet a stranger and if they have pics I will want to see them. I love when they share.. things in pictures always seem good... we tend to take pics of happy times. So here is some pics of me and my family. these are the only ones that I can upload for now..have pleanty to share over the next couple of months though.

BLANK

Sometimes I think I am just writing othing in here because I am blank. I am not sure what to write about. I could write about going on my bike ride today through Springfield..we went and looked at &300,000 plus homes today.. some were more in the &600,000 range. I enjoy doing this, I often wonder silly things..other than the fact that I love the arcitecture that they can afford to do. Some of the entry ways are breath taking. I also wonder how come they just dont grow their grass? trees or other shrubs...why is everything so perfectly planted? It almost looks fake..silly thought yes I know. I could also write about me and the boys ball game, I think me and my son tanner got a pretty good game while we played soccer, but we lost miserbly in baseball tonight. I could write about what I am going to do tomarrow at work, but it is pretty nuch the same thing, over and over...breakfast, showers, lunch, showers vitals and argueing..argueing..argueing.. Then I could just write about what I wish I had... I wish i had a small but spacy little home in the country, not too far out that I am completely secluded, but far enough that I can have all the privacy I want and go into my own backyard and not have neighbors looking, wanting to visit or kids coming over to play. I wish that I had a horse..this is something I am pretty sure that I want, I would like to try. I love horses the bueaty within them and the strenth on the outside. I also love the smell. I wish I could afford to go to school to be a spycologist. wouldnt that be the greatest..for me anyhow. I wish that I could take some time off in my life right now and just be here at my home..doing household chores and maybe plant a garden..flower garden. I also could write about all the dissapiontment and mistakes in my life...wich would be pages and pages and entry after entry long..lol. I could also write about jesus and why i think he gives us the pleasure s and trials he gives us in life... I believe it all is chioce..freedom of chioce, but weach chiocew will ultimitely build character and make a very crucial impact in the end. I once had a person ask me why jesus does bad things to people if he is so great...First I dont believe jesus does all those things, I think the devil and humans do more than enough. no one else has to create any problems. I also thinks he gives good people trials and great falls in their life to build character and possibly even test character. I dont think he does anyhting out of cruelness...even the trials are ment to better us not bury us in self pity or sorrow as it may seem at the moment. I could write about my favorite colors and cars, and clothes and all thoise things...my favorite color is pink?or blue depending on the item. I could write about how depressing the news is to american people. I dont watch tv so I had not heard any for a very long time untill I caught a glimpse of some of the lastest news on the radio the other day about a man shooting people in the church and the murder of a husband and wife during a burglary, and dont forget how we are all going to starve to death if the economy gets any worse and we dont spend and save wisely..Thats why i dont really listen. I think the news is so depressing and scary..it frightens me. I know bad things happen, believe me I do, but I dont want it pounded in my head daily about the rapes and killings and people starving and sueing one another... not for me. Well this is about it on the topic Blank.

My new puppy

I got a new puppy..it is a shitzu it is black with blonde under neath..it looks as though someone had professionally highlet his hair. What his name is going to be I am not sure yet. It seems that a name is very important and this one will stick as he is registered. So what do I call the little dust mop who bounces when he walks like a rabbit on a cool spring day just wondering about enjoying the sun? I think that these dogs are the greatest little pets a person can have. I am not really fond of lap dogs, BUT... I had gotten one about 7 years ago, he was all white shitzu. I drove about 8 hours to go get him as he was given to me for a gift. I first thought what am I going to do t=with the little gunea pig, thats what they remind me of, but as time went on and I grew attached he was without any question my second greatest pet. So now I have gotten antoher one and we are not sure what to call him. We thought about bobo... yes corny but cute if you seen the dog. We also thought about spike. I do not have a great imagine nation to come up with anything too unique so he is going to get a very common name, but hopefully one that fits. If anyone has abrave name for a little boy that is also a little sweet onthe side please share it with me.

Life Lessons

I have to say that the biggest thing in my life was when i left my husband and went out on my own with the two boys. I moved to springfield and got a job and did it on my own for 2 years. it was very hard for me to do. I left a good job and a place where I knew everyone to go back to school and follow a dream. But i learned a very good lesson from it all and it was life changing. I learned that everyone should attempt to follow their dreams no matter the price... it really is not the sucess but the perswon that you want to be and the things you believe. i could have stayed in my happy home with the two boys and our pet and kept my job and painted the picture of the american dream. But it just was not what I wanted and was finding that I was drowning in it all. i tried for many years to make it what I wanted becasue it was the responsible thing to do with two kids but it truly was not for me. Yes some call it selfish that is true but I see it as a little of both. I was being very selfish while I was sitting there in Cliton living from day to day with the same old thing no real LIFE happening. It was what some would call a life but it was not for me. I was so incredibly miserable putting on wieght and drowning in self pity and following what my husband at the time thought was right. I never followed what was right for me. I am almost thirty years old and because I allways followed someone else I have never really discovered what is right for me. There are many lessons that I learned through all the split and giving up my home and comfort zone for a a venture into myself, but the biggest really is life is short and it only is what we make it.

What is in the way????

What is in the way? I would say that most people do not know what is in the way of sucess. For me I would have to start with too much on my plate. I need to simpify my life and focus only on what is the basic goals for me and not ut forth any energy any where else. I seem take phone calls of other peoples problems... I am often the friend to call, but I dont allways wish I was. FOr some reason I torture myself with the problems of other people. I would also say that basic organizational skills are lacking. It seems like to me that anytime I have ever tried to have a set schedule someone else or something else has allways interferred with that. I ask for a basic work schedule and they push me around...poor poor pity me, but why do I let them do it to me? I was kidding about the poor poor me... even though sometimes it feels good to cry on my own shoulder..why not everyone else leans on it. I also think that my family is in the way and that I can not say that I mind at all. I love having a family and try not to put them out for my self purpose and wants. I also would have to say incredibly loud that my overthinking gets in the way alot, that and procrastination. I can sometimes over come both of those issues, but it often seems it allways returns to haunt me in the times that I need it not to the most. I sometimes think that my family gets in my way just because they can. They know that I will put my own self out and deal with their issues at hand. I will later do mine...but at a less important time...ha ha. It seems like sometimes I need someone to look out for me. I often look out for everyone but myself. I have been given some very good advice about this before and it was... If your not happy, how do you expect anyone in your life to feel like they are happy around you. So basically it all boils down to I need to prioritize...MYSELF.

Obersavations in Church

I have to say that I really enjoy going to church. I want to start out by inviting everyone whom may read this. I attend Hope Community Church... right east of town off Sunshine street. If you enjoy the presentations some churches put on with the bands and music you would very much enjoy this church. Sometime when I arrive it just seems as though it is a gathering of people who would know each other as neighbors. They are friendly, but totally involved in one anothers life that they would know the lastest issue you had with the sink knob not shutting off all the way. It sometimes is a blessing to just be around friendly people with everyone having one thing in common, that being most people their are just looking for answers to life and the "right" path to follow. When you walk in to find a seat, you are presented with a hand shake and a smile and help finding the right seat for you. Some prefer to sit in the back, others in the very front where they scream out their joy of praise. It just seems to me that everyone who sits in the fron allways does the most dancing, loudest singing and occaisonally cries out in tears or words of praise. Then as 9 am approaches the stage lights come on with softening colours of blues and purples. The colors they choose really set the mood, it makes the room light up enough to see your fellow members but leaves it dark enough that you feel as though your inner self has not been toatally exposed. The music starts, sometimes it is a soft r&b christian rock... others it is the old chior music that you would think of when someone was to talk about an older southern all black church. That music that the middle aged woman, who no longer is questioning herself and religion, sometimes stands in front and sings her soul out to jesus. The entire room then fills with people singing like song birds, others just saying it while blending it together and some mumbling all the words put up on the screen.

http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlecosmo.aspx?cp-documentid=18187588&GT1=32023

I wanted to add this to my blog because I love romance anything and this was very funny to me. I see alot of truth in it.

One of the things that drvive me very crazy about other people.

I have to say that I am not rolling in riches but I keep my bills paid. I sometimes see fellow co-workers., old school friends and some family that have more luxaries in life than I do. I work 4 days a week have 2 boys and also go to school. I do not have any television..because there is not time in my life for tv and the bill for the cable/satelite is not a priority in my life. I also drive an older gas saver car that has a few bumps and bruises, but it is paid off. I dont own the newwest coolest phones, ipods, computer gadgets or games. I am pretty simple and have very few luxeries in my life. The most expensive play toy I have is my bike and it is something I love to do with my kids. Anyhow my piont is...others have made comments to me as though I have it easy, I dont I have it harder than them with fewer luxeries. If you bought a big screen tv with the biggest cable package..dont wine to me that you cant afford the bill. I dont have either and find both a extra that is not needed in everyones life like people think. Some people think I am weird when I say I dont have television.. I dont see that as so odd. I dont have time to watch it anyhow. When I do get a hair to watch a show I will go and rent one. But I dont appreciate the big OH MY GOD you dont HAVEE A ELEVISION PACKAGE.. I think it is as rude to say as...OH MY GOD you pay 150 dollars a month for television and paid over 3000 dollars for your tv... are you stupid? what could possibly so important on that screen that is worth as much as my car? I respecty them when they say they are avid show wathcers..so why cant they understand that I am not? and I would not ev er ask anyone for money to pay for my entertainment..though I have seen others do. I would not have a decked out package on my phone if I had to barrow monrey to buy my groceries.. then act as though because the person said no.. they were awful. I think igf your really in need youd shed some luxeries and pay for your needs. I am just venting on this subject cause it iritates me when people carry around the newest phones and gadgets but are complaining cause they cant pay their light bill.

Things most often said about me that I dont really see

I often find people telling me that I am a goody too shoe... what exactly this means I am not sure. I am not a goody too shoe and have made plenty of mistakes. I have done some things I would never do again and have done some things I would do again but would not share with everyone except my best friend. I do go to church yes, I do love jesus. I have a big heart and never intend to harm anyone else...I believe what you give out you get back in some way so I do try hard not to give out alot. I often wonder though when people share that with me what is it that they are participating in that wmakes them think I would be such a goody too shoe compared to them? I wonder if they think that because I dont share every downfall with them that I dont have any? I am often told that I am very bubbly...I dont allways see myself as this either when others are. I am not the best with body language..only because I dont think it can allways speak for what a person is thinking or feeling. I am glad that others tell me I am bubbly, but some of the times in my life I am told this there is often alot of stress going on. I often think people think this about me because I am patient at work and try not to get upset when things go wrong. It not that I am not upset. It is just I havve my own therories about how to handle it and One is .... I have learned that once a aperson becomes an adult..there is no use in putting them in their place. They know what they are doing and obviuosly didnt mind. Yes there are exceptions to this..as there is exceptions to everyone and everything. I also believe that sometimes if you give people attention for the wrong behavior your more likely to see more of that behavior. anyhow that is all I have for now on this subject may add more later.

food

I wanted to add this post to my blog because I know that everyone loves some kind of foods and can relate. I would have to say that I love Japanese foods and Chinese. My favorite Japanese food is sushi rolls. I really like fried lobster rolls, but any roll is a tastely treat to me. I also like Japenes fried rice and cashew chicken. I had heard cashew chicken being talked about for years and was never really fond of chinese foods but then I tried this dish and found out that I am very fond of chinese if it is the right dish. I also love the crab ragoons. I would think most people do like those. Those two would be my most favorite but I also like mexican food. I love authentic mexican and will hardly ever turn down Taco Bell. These are the places I would choose if I were going to go out. If I was cooking at home my favorite is homade pizza... one where you have all the fresh veggies to add. This is a special treat to me because it is something that everyone in the house has fun doing and can play a part in. The creations are also just wonderful and interesting. I love to watch all the boys ponder over the dough in delight trying to decide the exact ingredient to add to cure their hunger. For breakfast I would say that I would choose an greek omlet. I really like the fetta cheeese and roast beef. If you never have ever tried one please do so your missing out on what great creation can be put inside an egg. If I had to choose a dessert it would be whipped yogurt by Yoplait... if you like mousse you will enjoy these. They are portioned so that you dont over do it and will cure that sweet tooth. There are flavors of every kind and my kids also enjoyu these. Well I hope if you read this you will share some favorite and great ideas. I am allways up to try something new.

com class

I want to share with everyone my experience about my communications class. I took this class to educate myself with communicating and have discovered that some people really are not good at what they teach. I went into this class to better myself with workplace politics and everyday life communication. I was hoping that I would be able to leave with a better understanding for communicating in general. What I have discovered is that the teacher in this class needs to take a politics class to help her understand herself that some things are not meant for the workplace. So far during this semester I have learned that the teacher in this class absolutely does not want to be teaching at OTC, she has stated that her wishes are to teach at some university in Texas. She carried on about the school she is teaching at and gave the impression that this is not a place for anyone to really try and educate their self. Later as we warm up and we begin to talk about our personal selves, she shares a lot about her husband and how he complains about her traveling and how he does not communicate well at all. She has shared also some information about her family and issues she has had with her daughter and the fellow mothers that are involved in the activities her daughter participates in. Then there is her son and all the disappointing things about how he dresses, behaves, and how forceful he is because he has little man syndrome. My point in blogging about this is that I am having a hard time understanding why someone who apparently has so many communication problems in her life, can possibly be considered a teacher of the subject. We all have some kind of communication issues, but the reason some of us took this class was to work through them... not hear about how many she has to deal with. I am finding it harder and harder to even go to the class and participate. I have no respect for her, which I am afraid will affect my grade. I kept hoping that with all the problems she was telling us about she would also educate us on how she handles them...This has not happened to this point. I feel like this class is more of a therapy to her than a job. Maybe she should be paying us for participating and giving her our time? I have heard other issues, about teachers bringing their personal lives to class, but this is by far the worst. Everyday we hear something. Today was the day we heard about her son and his little man syndrome and how he gets in his coaches faces to prove what a big man he is. I also learned today, that her son does not think a lot of her and would not choose his family over other things in his life. I am not sure if she is looking for our pity or really thinks she is warming up to us for better communication. I just wish she would share some of the better things she has taken or learned form all these experiences and share that with us... then it would not be so draining to me. I am not sure what to do at this point about this class, I think I will probably see what the grade is she has given me at midterms then choose to drop it or ride out a easy A. Either way, if I ever run into a teacher like this again I will switch courses early on. My advice would be to listen closely to the introduction given... If you hear a lot of complaining about their self and their lives... get out quick.

Sring

During the warmer parts of the year I like to ride my bike, me and the boys have been the last couple of days and it seem that everyone is starting to stir because of the weather. We went down to the park and fed the ducks and the park was full of people. Some were riding bikes for enjoyment. Some were what I would call bike riders, others were walking and then those who are too little to walk were being pushed in a stroller. It was nice to be able to get out of the house and not have to have on 2 or 3 layers of clothes. It appeared that everyone feels pretty much the same way. The ducks at the park were also happy to see that everyone was out and about, we were not the only ones who went down there to see them.

Essays

I Had to write an essay for my PLS class and it was based on supreme court cases. I choose to do my report on the mentally retarded and handicapped. I choose this topic because I currently work with the mentally handicapped and thought I would better understand what I was writing about. I got into this one case, Pennhurst versus Halderman, It was about a federal-state funded school for the mentally retarded. The school was being accused of many diffrent aspects of abuse. If you are interested follow the link posted or google the name. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pennhurst_State_School The more I read about this case the more I realized that too often this kind of abuse goes on. YOu would think that there is no such abuse like this today, but I am here to witness that this is not the case. I can honestly say that I have never myself ever taken part in any kind of abuse but haqve often heard bits and pieces of situations that have taken place right where I work. I wonder where it is that the line is drawn on abuse and insanity?? Let me tell you these people are often not the easiest people to deal with on a daily basis. There is one guy whom I care for and He will carry on about how the kitchen has piosined him and he is not eating because of it. I can say with alot of confidence that I would not believe anyone in the kitchen would have the means or time to piosin him. Staff eats out of the same pan as he does and plates are made right before my eyes. So what piont do you believe tht there is abuse? Because there are other instances where I do feel very much like some of the treatment is not as well as it could be, should be, or maybe even would be if someone else was to run the facility. I do nut understand the finances of caringf for these people in mental facilities, but I do know that It cant be very good if you can put over 120 residents in a facility and charge them rent, feed them and take to and from doctor visits, but cant afford anything much beyond that. Anyhow.. I could go one about this subject but my main piont was to read the Pennhurst case just to inform yourself what kind of treatment some of your taxes do pay for.

The wisdom age brings

I was chatting at work today and it seems to me that every child is in such a big hurry to grow up. "When can I go by myself"...When can I drive..When can I date....and so on with every wish we all made as a young child. The idea of growing up though was not as constricting as it really is. When we wished to be older as a child it was really becasue we all just wanted more freedom. Then we grow up and realize that we are out of the comfort of our parents love and into the hands of our spouces, bosses, teachers, coworkers, and everyone else we must answer to. Some of us acceptr this early on in our young adult hood, others go well beyond there thirties to realize that there is no real freedom, we ared allways answering to someoone else. I once had a co-worker tel me that they had a band once and wanted to be a star and when I ask what happened and he said I grew up, he went on how he was a late bloomer though and it took his wife and child to see the light but it happened...he realized if not the place he was, well then it would just be some other face to answer to. Some other boss, coworkers, woman and so forth. I am sure that I am not the only one saying this but I want no one to answer to. I want to go back to the days when I was about 12..old enough to cross the street by myself but still too young to have any real responsibilities..... Dont get me wrong, not all of growing up has been bad, I love my children and by all means this would have nev ver happened if I was still 12 and cluless to what evedn created them.

Bikeriding

I wanted to write about my current bike adventures. Me and the boys have found a new trail to go on and it is absolutely wonderfull. I am not really taking to the city as well as I like at all, so for me to ge to enjoy the wide open space of the country is great. I found new trail over by where we live, right off Fort and Sunset. If you have not had the oppurtunity to explore this trail it is defiitely somehitng you and your family would enjoy. There is a big bridge that crossses over Kansas Expressway and as you come down that you go right along the trail and are riding beside the smell of horses....wich for me is nothing better than roses. I love the smell of horses they remind me of tranquility.